Why Do Most Of Us Find It Difficult To Love And Accept Ourselves Just As We Are?

My mom is going through breast cancer and she told me that the only time she leaves her house without her wig is when I am with her because I have a shaved head as well and that helps her to feel more confident going out “exposed.” When she shared this with me, I felt a mix of emotions: happy that I am able to be of support, sad that she doesn’t feel confident on her own to be out in public with her natural look, frustrated that society has programmed us to believe that we aren’t beautiful as we are, and hopeful that humanity can evolve and be better.

I have been reflecting on this the past couple of weeks and so many questions have come to mind: What is beauty and how is it defined in different cultures? What are we taught about beauty and how do we internalize that as we grow up? Why does it seem that we are so focused on the external? Does beauty really come from within? Why is it difficult for so many of us to come to a place where we truly and deeply love ourselves just as we are? How can we change the narrative around beauty to create a culture where everyone feels free to be who they are and to be loved and accepted for that?

There was a time in my life when I didn't feel comfortable going out of the house without my nails properly painted...I get it!

Please don’t misunderstand me…I have nothing against people using make-up, dying their hair, decorating their bodies, getting their nails done, or any of that. What bothers me is when we believe that without these things we aren’t beautiful, that we aren’t enough.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t feel comfortable going out of the house without my nails properly painted, my roots dyed to hide my gray hair, and some stylish outfit on, so I do get it.

When I think back to that version of me, I remember how unhappy I really was deep down inside. I was always stressed out and my “beauty routine” didn’t bring me any real joy; it was just another thing that I felt I had to do and between teaching full time, raising my boys, scheduling nail appointments, scheduling hair appointments, and all of the other things that modern living often brings, I was overwhelmed and overscheduled to say the least.

In the chair for a pedicure, there would be a few moments of “ahh this is wonderful” but the effort it took to get there, the money I spent, and squeezing in the appointment amongst all of the other things I was doing turned out to not be self-care as I know it now.

I now see how all of those things that I was doing to “take care of myself” were really being done because I didn’t feel safe and ok to just let myself be “natural.” I was unconsciously covering myself in pretty things because I didn’t love and accept myself as I was; I didn’t feel pretty just as I was.

Programming and conditioning from society, our families, and the media from a young age deeply affect our perceptions of beauty

I now realize how much programming and conditioning affected my perception of myself and how I had to become aware of this so that I could unravel it and learn to love and accept myself.

I remember after my divorce, one man I was dating told me that he appreciated that my nails were always done and I was always “put together.” He told me how so many women “didn’t care” about what they looked like and didn’t “bother” with these things. At the time, I took this as such a compliment.

It’s funny how more than a decade later, his comment still comes to my mind and I see it so differently now. I have wondered what he would say about this version of me who hasn’t owned or worn makeup in over 5 years, no painted nails in that same amount of time, and who is currently rocking a shaved head with gray hair?

I see how his comment is so aligned with what US society sees as beauty. The other day when my mom was at her doctor’s appointment without her wig, I overheard the nurses telling her what a pretty wig she had on in her file’s photo. When one nurse commented on her now growing hair, she said “oh, look how long your hair is getting and it’s sticking up on the sides.”

This made me feel both sad and even a bit mad. I had to find compassion for the nurses and understanding that they have been programmed and conditioned about beauty in the same unhealthy society from which I came. I couldn’t help but think that they could have shared such kindness by simply complimenting her on her natural hair and helping to boost her confidence.

...without awareness, we aren't able to shift and create new perspectives.

It sounds so simple but without awareness, we aren’t able to shift and create new perspectives.

The real sad part to me is that they were coming from a place of what they thought was a good intention to say something nice (lack of awareness). I don’t believe that they meant any harm at all and that they actually thought they were being nice. They were unconsciously perpetuating what they had been taught from a very young age about beauty.

So how can I help? How can we help? I always like to focus my energy on helping to make change in a positive way instead of focusing on what is wrong with this world (although first we need to be aware of what needs to change!).

The first thing we can all do is to develop awareness of our own thoughts and beliefs around beauty. What messages do we receive from society, social media, our families, our friends that have shaped our beliefs? Journaling really helped me to get clear on this.

It’s important with this work that we allow ourselves to examine our beliefs and thoughts without judging or blaming. Once we identify what we believe, we can consciously decide to shift to a belief that is aligned with the vibration we want to have.

Sharing a new perspective is one way that I can help with shifting this narrative. Writing this article gives me a platform to share this.

Standing strong in my power with a willingness to support others is another way that I can help to shift this narrative.

I have decided to keep my head shaved (my mom’s hair is currently longer than mine now!) because I love it but also because of the conversations that it has started with women who have told me they are inspired by my confidence. I wish this confidence for all of us and if I can support this endeavor by simply keeping my head shaved, then done.

Let’s have more conversations. Let each of us be the light and the inspiration that others need. Together we are stronger.

It’s been a real journey for me to get to where I am now with not only embracing my natural beauty but deeply loving myself. I invite you to begin this journey if you haven’t already. The effort it takes is truly worth it.

The most powerful way that we can all be change makers is to start with ourselves. Working on being the best versions of ourselves has a ripple effect in the universe and is the beginning to creating a new way for humanity to exist in harmony.

Spend some time looking at yourself deeply in the mirror and becoming comfortable with what you see. If you need support, reach out as I am here for you.

You are beautiful just as you are.